Saying “No” Can Be Your SUPERPOWER
We’ve all had several moments in our lives where we feel like we’re going to lose it. There is so much going on, everyone needs you, and you’ve overcommitted, and now you have no idea how you’re going to deliver on any of it. You’ve literally paved your own personal road to hell with the best intentions! The worst part is that you'll surely wind up physically or emotionally drained and may ultimately fall short of some of those promises. Nobody likes to be in that position.
How Did I Get Myself Here?
We all get ourselves here at some point. I love agreeing to things when I’m in a good mood and then having regrets the day of! Usually, we get ourselves in the weeds by engaging in people-pleasing. For so many of us, it feels easier just saying yes rather than dealing with whatever we feel the consequences of saying no will be.
But those consequences are ones that we perceive. It's always the story we’re telling ourselves. People-pleasing definitely can have a root in dysfunctional upbringings, toxic and narcissistic parents, etc. That is an important thing to work on understanding in therapy. Confronting the reasons you constantly put others before yourself is uncomfortable and challenging. However, developing an understanding, making changes in how you interact with others, and improving how you feel about yourself are crucial in turning things around.
Why It’s NECESSARY to prioritize and say “no" more often…
In life, we have things we need to take care of. We have to feed ourselves, care for our loved ones, manage stress, be involved in tons of events, activities, interactions, take care of our health, our relationships, and try to find some spare time! How?! Things are already pretty unmanageable for so many people, and understandably so.
The pressures of the world will throw you out of touch with yourself, your limits, and your overall wellness. You can’t be afraid to simplify some things if it’s all too much. Failing to listen to the giant warning signs your body, your thoughts, and the chaos in your life are sending you can have devastating effects on your health, life, and happiness.
Before everyone else needs you, YOU need you. If you constantly take on things for others and aren’t able to sleep and eat well, exercise, provide for yourself, or engage in healthy regulation and decompression…you are always going to be in a state of stress, and it will directly affect your ability to function. You will not likely have the energy, confidence, or willingness to bring about the meaningful change you’re looking for. You end up completely drained, which will likely cause you to go through burnout spells where it is difficult to be fully present for your loved ones.
It’s not selfish to know yourself and when you need to dial it back. If the fear of what will happen if you say no is what paralyzes you, you’ll never know until you try! I’m willing to bet you’ll be surprised a lot of the time. Anxiety is worrying about things that might not even happen. Even if certain things happen, they are almost always pretty trivial from a larger perspective. It’s about much more than doing better for you, it helps you become balanced, so you can show up the way you want to for the people you love.
You must also be aware that people pleasing, taking on a bunch of favors, projects, activities, etc., that don’t really benefit you can be a way you might engage (consciously or not) in a sneaky form of self-sabotage. By always filling your schedule for everything and everyone but yourself, your family, or your goals, time and energy are being spent avoiding the things you’re afraid to confront - the fear of failure, of success, or the discomfort of change. Don’t let years go by stuck in the “working on everyone’s bullsh*t but my own” mode!
How Do I Deal With It?
“No” is a sentence, and it doesn’t often require an explanation. It’s uncomfortable to get used to because we are conditioned to explain, explain, and explain when we are unsure or anxious. “No” can be expressed in many different ways. It can be not answering the phone call, not picking up the phone to offer your help all the time, it can be not showing up to every event, not participating in the drama others insist on investing themselves in. There are a ton of ways you can opt out of things that don’t serve the greater good and your personal well-being. That’s literally it.
You may or may not experience a little FOMO when you opt out of certain things, but you’ll also do so with confidence, knowing that your mind, body, and spirit need the rest. It gets a little easier when you remember that you are better able to focus on the things that matter most to you and show up for the people who need you when you listen to yourself.
Keep things simpler when necessary, and you will become more comfortable with change. You’ll begin to make more progress and feel less and less limited in what you can do. You are the creator of your life as an adult, and narrowing your focus can help you become the successful, loving, and present person you’re striving to be!
